Mom and Machines Mondays - To Whom It May Concern
By Amber Dubois (Humorist and Mom)
Dear Coyote That The Newspaper Insists Is Living Somewhere in my Neighborhood,
Go away. Seriously. You're creeping me right the heck out.
But also, when you go, could you take my oldest daughter with you? I fear I've ruined her and I'm thinking that you might do a better job than I could. Now understand, I'm not offering her as a food item. I love her and do not wish to see any harm come to her, I simply would like for her to turn out to be a decent human being who I can trust to not commit serial murders or to use her super-genius powers to become an evil criminal mastermind. I clearly am not capable of causing this end result, thus I shall entrust her to your care and nature-driven guidance.
Please teach her that it's not OK to hit her Mommy. Teach her that we don't scream at our sister to shut up when she cries. It's not OK to make the baby sad. Let her know that just because Mommy is otherwise occupied doesn't mean that we up the brat quotient to nearly intolerable levels. Let her know that time out isn't something that I necessarily care that she likes. Make her stop quacking angrily when she's mad. Please make her understand that she needs to obey the rules, not willfully disobey them and that it's wrong to take advantage of another person's disability/inability. Make sure she eats some veggies. Make sure she wipes her butt from front to back. Make sure she gets to bed by 9. Teach her how to read and help her figure out how to count to fifty in Spanish. Maybe you can help me convince her that "a hundred" and "one hundred" are the same number, and that the word is "dragon", not "jragon".
While we're at it, if you could take the baby with you, that would be great. She needs a lot of snuggles. She likes to blow raspberries on inappropriate parts of her Mommy's chest. She'll stretch out the neckline of Mommy's shirts to do it, too. She likes to cut teeth and poop through her diapers. Sorry about that. Please help her figure out why bedtime has to be a struggle every night. Please don't give her chocolate--she makes an unholy mess with it. Walk behind her when the slopes are too steep, because she tends to crawl her legs out of the legholes of her sleepers, and she might trip over her clothes. Please, oh please teach her that Mommy's nipples are not to be used as handholds with which she can pull herself to a standing position. Neither is Daddy's chest hair. Also? We all know she can walk, but she just thinks we won't carry her if she shows us. Please let her know this is not the case.
If it's not too much trouble, make sure they know that their Mommy loves them. Tell them that she's sorry things had to go this way, but that it was either I send them to live with the coyotes, or I list them on eBay, and there might be pedophiles on eBay so this was the safest option. Give them plenty of kisses and hugs and snuggle them close to your furry selves before bedtime.
I love my daughters, but they might have to go. No matter what, though, you do.
Sayonara,
Amber
Mom of the Year Candidate
2009
